4/1/05: 

Fab Lounge, opening soon above the Royal Palace, plans
on building a secret passageway between the two clubs,
available to guests on the "down low."

Work has re-started on converting Mr P's to a yuppie
martini lounge. Work has been stymied by the continued
appearances of "Marilyn Monroe," the world's oldest
drag queen, who insists on performing in the crumbling
shell while crews attempt to work around her.

Due to neighbors' protest over the impact of grocery 
shoppers, Harris Teeter has withdrawn plans to build a
supermarket in the former roller skating rink at 17th
& Kalorama. 
However, after being visited by a roller-skating 
Greek muse, officials decided to fulfill their dream
to re-open the facility as a skating rink, with 
"Xanadu" written in giant pink-and-blue neon letters.

Cardozo High School was shut down again today after a 
student reported finding gristle on his hamburger. 
Contamination squads invaded the cafeteria and found 
copious amounts of unidentifiable compounds. 

The creators of Pandamania have announced plans to
scatter the city with hundreds of hand-decorated
fiberglass statues of Blake Gopnik, the Washington
Post's art critic. Many artists are giving their
creations punny names, such as "Blade Gopnik," which
has the demur critic cringing in pain, with a dozen
daggers plunged into his body. A somewhat more comical
statue is "Eczema, Stage Left," which features a
festively naked Gopnik covered with crusty, scaly, 
oozing lesions.

After a wave of criticism that the city's contract 
with Major League Baseball was too lopsided in favor 
of MLB, the mayor's office toughened up and 
renegotiated, increasing from 2 to 3 the number of 
skyboxes reserved for the DC Sports Commission.

The MPD has sent out a warning to residents, after
receiving hundreds of calls from homeowners who have
been robbed of thousands of dollars. Detectives have
tracked down the culprit to somewhere near the Office
of Tax and Revenue. Police came close to catching the
suspect, but instead busted into a room with only the
DC Council dancing in piles of money.

WJLA featured an interview with Chuckie, a "Brood X"
cicada who woke up in November, too late to mate with
any of the 17 trillion other Brood X cicadas. Chuckie
discussed his regret on having partied late in 1987. 
"I figured the constant buzzing of millions of other
cicadas would wake me up," he said, "but part of me
was still trying to recover from that wild night in
1987." Chuckie was filmed roaming through Rock Creek
Park, finding only dried-up body parts of his fellow
cicadas. Days later, after desperately deciding to try
to mate with a katydid, he was eaten by a retarded 
bichon frisé.

Outraged that wealthy people are trying to move into 
DC, the city passed a law to encourage affordable 
housing, by mandating that developers be forced to 
build, according to the law, "total crap." Granite 
countertops have been outlawed, with the DC Counsel 
stipulating that plywood and dried sludge are the 
preferred options. Windows that offer views of the 
Capitol or trees will be pasted over with posters of
Joseph Stalin.

Local developer Marty Dickens has been arrested for 
committing the crime of building luxury housing. The 
developer neglected to build total crap to lower the 
price far enough so poor people can afford it. The DC
government has seized the property in the name of The
People, and will use it for office space for the 
Office of Affordable Housing.

A snafu in the city's new personnel computer swapped
employees with Parks & Recreation with employees with
the Department of Transportation. The error wasn't
noticed until residents woke up to discover their
streets covered with grass and flowers. However, the
city's playgrounds were paved over, in order to 
provide parking for toddlers from Maryland and 
Virginia.

City officials proudly unveiled the first apartment to
be built as a result of their new affordable housing
law. Despite being total crap, a long line of poor
people formed to buy the unit. Since the developer was
barred from letting interested parties pay more than
the legal price, he sold the unit to whoever gave him
the best blow job.

The Metro board of directors, vowing to become 
familiar with the system they oversee, got a first 
tour of the Metrorail system. One board member 
proposed replacing "those metal stairways" with 
escalators. After the tour, members were left on their
own to get from Dupont to Vienna. One group waited in
vain till closing, looking to transfer to an Orange 
Line train at the Farragut North station.

Fresh from the success of the affordable housing law,
the DC Council passed the affordable politician law.
Politicians will no longer be able to sell out to the
highest bidder; rather, they can not sell their votes
for more than 20% of the median family income.
Rich contributers at first complained that this was
a violation of the free market, but eventually agreed
that the compromise was worth it in order to let 
everyone participate in the political process.

After meeting with Tony Williams, Paris mayor Bertrand
Delanoe announced he will revitalize Paris by building
a giant baseball stadium. The stadium will replace a 
bunch of crumbling boulangeries, pâtisseries, 
crêperies, and fromageries. Major Leagues Baseball 
said it will would consider moving the Nationals to 
Paris if enough Parisian tax francs can be siphoned 
into their pockets.

Major Leagues Baseball added a new condition for it to
bring baseball to Paris: every Parisian taxpayer must
line up along the Champs-Élysées, bend over, pull down
their pants, and be fucked up the ass with a baseball
bat. (It worked in Washington.)

Zoo officials have reported that panda Mei Xiang has
finally given birth to her first cub. However, due to 
an obscure clause in the city's contract with Major 
League baseball, the baby panda will become property
of MLB officials.

April Fools,
Michæl