4/1/04: 

Comfort One Shoes will open their first Dupont store
outside of the 1600 block of Conn Ave, at 1730 Conn
Ave.

New "Straights" of Malaya expected to be geared 
towards heterosexuals; rumored to be hiring waitresses
from Hooters, dressed in tight-fitting sarongs.

Worried that riders might not understand that the
Takoma station serves both the DC neighborhood and the
Maryland town, Metro officials decided to rename it
"Takoma/Takoma Park."

Gary Condit's wife finally filed for divorced today,
after discovering yet another decomposed corpse in the
trunk of couple's Hyundai.

To alleviate problems with the exposed escaltor at the
Q St Dupont Metro entrance, WMATA will replace one
escalator with a giant slide.

Affordable-caging activists protested at the National
Zoo yesterday, claiming the new $28-million orangutan
exhibit will be out-of-reach to most of world's 
estimated 28,000 orangutans. Lucky orangutan residents
proudly toured their new home yesterday, marveling at
the views and the luxurious 24-hour security, top-of-
the-line bars, and mating services.

The Park Service has decided to protect the Washington
Monument by moving it to an undisclosed underground
location.

WMATA has decided to help people better understand 
their jurisdiction by renaming itself the Washington-
Maryland/Virginia Metropolitan Transportation 
Authority (WMVMTA).

Park Service officials admitted yesterday that they 
mistakenly hid the Washington Monument in an 
underground missile silo. Officials discovered the 
error when the monument was accidently shot into space
during routine Army war games.

Embattled Zoo director Lucy Spellman, accused of
neglect in a string of animal deaths, has been 
transferred to the DC Morgue.

League of Texas Multimillionares protested a lack of
unaffordable housing in the city's best neighborhoods.
Saying the city's best properties were being snapped 
up before they could ratchet up their bids, they have
successfully lobbied the DC Council to force 13% of 
future housing developments for people earning 8,000%
of the local average salary. The law has been called
the "We Demand a Supply Act."

DC Morgue employees were startled to discover a 
refrigerator filled with animated corpses, fighting
over a package of Lean Cuisine Fiesta Grilled Chicken.

Thousands of re-animated crime victims have taken to
the streets, seeking revenge for their murders. Many
other are just returning home to watch TV and eat
Doritos. A Senate investigation has placed the blame
on Lucy Spellman, whose incompetance has allegedly
led to the malfunctions at the DC Morgue.

Mayor Williams vowed to get tough on crime by giving
Police Chief Ramsey a $50,000 increase in pay. "This
sends a message to crooks that we're serious about
wasting money on mediocre leadership" said the mayor.

A group of radioactive beavers was discovered to have
gnawed a tunnel connecting the two Farragut stations.
Metro officials promised to quickly seal off the 20-
foot-long tunnel, saying they needed more time and
money in order to properly study the issue.

April Fools,
Michæl

PS - See also
http://www.pps.org/info/newsletter/April_First_2004/