4/1/03: 

WP says the two Heurich grandkids have finalized plans
for the Heurich mansion, and will turn it back into a 
working brewery. See "Das Brew: Baby Brewmaster Hops
to It,"
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A23383-2003Apr01.html

Dupont resident Velveeta von Krapp rallied her
neighbors yesterday with a speech hailing the
neighborhood as a playground for "flâmeurs." Flâmeur
is a 19th-century French term describing someone who
dresses in outlandishly glamourous clothes and adopts
an outsized personality à la Auntie Mame or Harvey 
Fierstein.

Sensing victory, the Repair Klingle Road group has 
expanded to fight for other causes, such as connecting
the two halves of Belmont St through Meridian Hill 
Park. Saying the park unfairly divides the rich people
west of 16th St from the slightly-less-rich people 
east of 15th St, they pressed the Council to approve 
a 4-lane highway through the park, or perhaps a 
monorail. RKR leaders said the park acts as a divide,
preventing people in Columbia Heights from shopping or
going to jobs in Adams Morgan, and that a Belmont St
highway would relieve traffic on Euclid and W Sts.
The next battle is expected to take place over
building a bridge over the Grand Canyon, which 
unfairly divides the people of Fredonia, Arizona from
the people of Kanab, Utah.

DC's streets have been turned into a battleground as
animals from the National Zoo have organized into 
gangs intent on revenge killings, enacting bloody
retributions for the six prairie dogs who were killed
by rats this past summer. Dupont resident Janet Lee
reports being awakened by trumpeting elephants
marauding through her alley, stepping on and squashing
dozens of overweight rats. Zookeepers panicked when 
they discovered famed pandas Tian Tian and Mei Xiang
missing from their enclosure, having jumped the moat 
and commandeered a Zoo golf cart, which they are now
driving through the streets of DC looking for the
guilty rats.
Underground sources report a frightening scene
before dawn this morning, as hundreds of rats 
approached Trios' grease vat from the south, and 
dozens of zoo animals approached from the north, with
both sides snapping their fingers and walking as if
choreographed by Bob Fosse.
Neighbors reported a sickening smell that morning,
and awoke to the sight of tiny rat body parts flung 
over every conceivable surface, with a few rat heads 
mounted on fence posts and car antennas for emphasis.

Pop icon Madonna caused another storm of controversy
today, when she released the video for her latest
single, "Light the Fountain, Damn It." In it, she
boldly steps into the controversy surrounding lighting
the Dupont fountain, portraying the National Park
Service as sexually-repressed nihilists. In one scene 
sure to propel her even further into the spotlight,
she dives into the fountain and engages in a 
passionate lesbian kiss with Ariel the Mermaid. Disney
has threatened to sue over that scene and the 
following one, where she pulls Sebastian the Crab and
his family out of her panties.

Police Chief Ramsey held a press conference to trumpet
statistics proving that crime has gone down. There 
was, however, some bad news, that while muggings have 
plummeted, incidences of people losing their wallets &
purses have shot up. Ramsey urged citizens to be less
clumsy and forgetful. 
The mayor added that he was happy to hear that the 
number of cases of people voluntarily handing money to
complete strangers also went up, proving what 
charitable people comprise this great city.

The Mayor has decided to create a Department of Waste,
Fraud, and Incompetence, in order to consolidate all
the waste, fraud and incompetence throughout the city
government and make losing money more efficient. All
city employees who waste money, engage in fraud or 
other criminal behavior, or are otherwise incompetent
will be reassigned to DWFI. Meanwhile, the City
Council has successfully blocked any tax cuts, 
claiming that more money is needed to properly fund
DWFI.

Police Chief Ramsey held a press conference to 
announce that, according to official statistics, the
number of homicides has dropped sharply. At the same
time, there has been a marked increase in the number
of UFO sightings and alien abductions. Ramsey went on
to say that the MPD has no jurisdiction over 
extraterrestrial criminal matters, and urged the US 
Congress to provide additional funding if they want 
their members to feel safe commuting between the 
Capitol and their havens in Maryland and Virginia.

The mayor was surprised to discover that, according to
his resume, former fire chief Ronnie Few was a gold 
medallist in figure skating in the 1998 winter 
Olympics, which were apparently held in Augusta, 
Georgia.

After living blissfully rat-free for the past few 
weeks, local resident Joe Cook reports having to
chase away a large rhino which he caught rummaging
through his trash.
Local officials have since urged residents to 
upgrade their rat-proof garbage containers to ones
made specifically for protecting against gibbons,
pythons, and tigers.

Police Chief Ramsey held a press conference to 
celebrate that the MPD's homicide closure rate shot up
from a pathetic low of 49% to an amazing 100%. Ramsey
said the rate shot up after police determined that all
local murders had been committed by U.S. Congressman
Gary Condit. 

A new giant vending machine has been constructed in
Adams Morgan. This one dispenses prostitutes.

Police Chief Ramsey held a press conference to take
credit for helping the war on terrorism by leading 
thousands of area police officials to Baghdad, where
they surrounded Saddam's evil forces, hogtied them,
and piled them into rusting school buses.
Police officials later admitted that due to bad
directions given by the 911 dispatcher, MPD forces
were actually in the Morocco pavilion at Epcot, 
which is in Orlando, not Iraq. 
Ramsey regretted that "most of" the alleged 
terrorists they rounded up were innocent, but added
that it never hurts to tie people up and lock them
away, because that way you know they can't "do stuff."

The DC Council chamber was packed with zombies, 
wraiths, and ghouls who were there to comment on a
proposed bill limiting hours that nightclubs could be
open. Calling itself the Committee for an Unliving DC,
they testified that since they evaporate or suffer
debilitating pain during daylight, it is grossly
unfair to restrict their nighttime activities. The 
leader of the group, a petite blond named Elsie, spoke
eloquently on their behalf, in spite of taking 
conspicuous slugs from a carafe hidden in her purse,
and occasionally blowing a party horn to emphasize
certain points. Council members were shocked to see
her choke on a what looked like Tic Tacs, causing her
to clutch her throat and spew vomit over the newly-
renovated council chamber. Council chair Linda Cropp
calmly watched Elsie be carried out on a stretcher, 
and later commented that she was the happiest corpse
she'd ever seen.

Embattled zoo director Lucy Spelmen testified before
Congress on recent animal deaths during her tenure. In
the past year, the zoo has lost a pygmy hippo, a lion,
a bobcat, a seal, two giraffes, two zebras and two red
pandas, not to mention the six prairie dogs killed by
rats. Congress remained concerned, but one source 
later leaked that they were impressed by Spelman's 
glamourous outfit, featuring an exotic fur coat of 
brown patches over a white background, and a rich red
fur cap.

City officials said that rather than spend $430 
million for a ballpark, they will spend just $95 
million to create a lavish Colosseum for Celine Dion.
The remaining $335 million will be used to build 
coliseums for Cher, Siegfried & Roy, Cirque du Soleil,
and Cookie Buffet.

After narrowly averting a budget deficit due to the
estate tax windfall from Katherine Graham, Mayor 
Williams has decided to hire Anna Nicole Smith as a 
deputy mayor in charge of luring extremely wealthy
octogenarians to move to DC shortly before dying.

Recent travails have taken a toll on embattled zoo 
director Lucy Spelmen, who has made no effort to 
disguise that the left side of her head has turned 
prematurely gray. She returned to Congress to testify
on plans for expanding the zoo's collection of 
animals. Wearing a stunning brown-beige fur coat
marked with black spots along with a black-and-white-
striped muff, she announced plans for a new exhibit on
Dalmatian puppies.

Glamour magazine profiled local "activist" who wants
Dupont's sidewalks replaced with yellow bricks. P St
would be extended west by a few miles until it hits
Kansas.

Mayor Anthony Williams has been appointed emergency
head of the National Zoo. Williams promised to make up
for the recent loss of animals by recruiting 100,000
animals from zoos in neighboring areas.

Social Compact released a study of Columbia Heights,
tracking money spent by residents outside their own 
neighborhoods. The study showed that the average 
Columbia Heights resident bought $425 worth of drugs
outside of Columbia Heights. Social Compact decried 
the lack of quality drug dealers, forcing residents to
travel outside their hoods in order to buy drugs.

Mayor Anthony Williams held a conference to announce
that he has already recruited 10,000 animals to the
National Zoo, ahead of schedule. However, local
investigators conducted an analysis of his claims,
and found suspicious data. Detractors wonder if 
Lassie, Flipper and Bubbles have indeed moved to DC,
and noted that "Babar" is not even a real elephant.

Tysons Corner announced plans to hold its first house
tour. Planners have requested transportation officials
to widen the highways in order to accommodate the
expected crowds as they travel a fleet of rented buses
from one house to another.

April Fools,
Michael