4/1/02: 

In another sign that Dupont is losing its status 
as a "gay Mecca," the Leather Rack has closed. It will
be replaced with an Ann Taylor Leather Rack.

In order to get past the moratorium preventing 
expansion of businesses with liquor license, Peppers 
is equipping their second-floor lounge with giant 
straws connecting to the perfectly legal bar on the 
first floor.

Two doors down from Adams Morgan's fast-food chicken 
shack "Cluck U," construction has started on a new
hardware store, Screw U.

In yet another sign that Dupont is losing its status 
as a "gay Mecca," Lambda Rising has begun selling 
Teletubbies other than Tinky Winky.

Following the model of the new fluorescent signs 
flopping in intersections reminding drivers to obey 
traffic law, MPD's homicide unit has begun erecting 
giant plastic signs saying "MURDER IS NOT LEGAL." 

Not to be outdone, The White House has begun erecting
fluorescent signs outside The White House saying 
"PLEASE DO NOT BOMB."

In response to the crowds generated by Wendell and
Cass, the gay penguin couple at New York Aquarium in
Coney Island, the National Zoo has hired Liz Smith to
find our own gay animal couple. Zoo officials say an
openly gay couple would bring additional crowds, and
are hoping for a major corporate sponsor, suggesting
Abercrombie & Fitch, which could start a line of
"gayanimals" childrens clothing which can be easily
matched together. 
So far, attention has focused on Mei Xiang, the 
female panda who refuses to be mounted by Tian Tian.
Zoo officials have asked Rosie O'Donnell to don a 
panda outfit to try to seduce Mei Xiang into a lesbian
relationship.
See "We're here, we're queer, we're penguins," 
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2002/03/08/gay_penguins/

The National Park Service, which last year refused a 
proposal to add underwater lights to the Dupont 
fountain, on the grounds that it violated its 
historical integrity, since the sculptor didn't intend
for it to be lit from underwater, recently did further
research, and discovered that neither did the sculptor
intend for it to be surrounded by a bunch of homos.
The NPS is drawing up plans to move the fountain to a
safe location.

Evil Developers have banded together to ensure 
construction of unaffordable housing. Texas oil tycoon
Wilbur E. Reich has already declared his intent to buy
the first unit available, causing the Evil Developers
much vexation, who then upped the ante by raising 
prices to make the housing even more unaffordable.

Our heroic city council has vowed to take credit for
more affordable housing. In order to "encourage" more
affordable housing, the council is working to ensure
that crime rates go up, school quality goes down, and
city services remain pathetic, or, if possible, become
somehow more pathetic. This action was based on a 
Brookings Institution study which claimed that low 
crime, good schools, and non-pathetic city services 
contribute to rising housing prices.

Stemming from the success of their affordable housing
initiatives, the DC Council has begun drafting 
legislation to ensure a supply of affordable meals. 
Restaurants will be required to ensure that 30% of 
their meals are "affordable" to families who earn no
more than 80% of the median household income. A group
of even more pious and charitable council members are
claiming that law is too lax, leaving the poorest 
families to nibble on lettuce and day-old French 
fries, and are pushing to change the law to make 99% 
of the meals "affordable" to families who earn no more
than 10.8209634% of the median household income. 

Tysons Corner, Rosslyn, and Crystal City have formed
their own Axis of Evil Neighborhoods, and have
launched plans to construct a giant freeway though 
Dupont and other historic neighborhoods, in order to 
eliminate communities which offend the automobile 
industry.

Zoo officials were surprised to discover that Mei 
Xiang is actually Anne Heche in a panda outfit. Anne 
is now apparently a lesbian again, and will stay in 
the panda compound with Rosie, where they will adopt 
all the unwanted zoo animals. 
Meanwhile, Tian Tian has been spotted buying fetish
wear at the Ann Taylor Leather Rack. Abercrombie & 
Fitch has expressed interest in using Tian Tian for 
its catalog, and has hired Bruce Weber to shoot him 
posing with nubile young men cavorting around the zoo.

As part of its quest to establish peace and quiet, 
DCCA has begun an orange hat patrol which will enforce
a curfew for anyone under 50 on 17th St past 9pm.

As part of a prototype to test city-wide potential, 
the MPD has begun installing closed-circuit monitors
in JR's, in order to ensure compliance with capacity 
laws and liquor laws.

The MPD has declared the JR's video monitor a huge
success, as many officers have requested transfer to 
video bank observation duty. New cameras will be 
installed at Wet, and the Results locker room.

In response to competition from new hip "boutique"
hotels Topaz and Rouge, the Residence Inn on P St has
renamed itself The Beige.

The HRC has changed its mind again, and will go back
to its original plan to build its own headquarters
building, this one in the shape of Elizabeth Birch's 
head.

A new gay social group has been formed, "DC Trolls,"
for men over 60 who are ugly, misshapen, or otherwise
unpopular. Group will focus on outreach efforts to 
remove the stigma, to brighten society's perception of
trolls, and to work with the media to guide how they 
are portrayed. First meeting will take place Friday,
under the P St bridge.

Joggers yesterday discovered a month-old baby in Rock
Creek, with "Gary Jr." sewn onto its diaper. Police
have discovered no clues other than pieces of a large
Afro wig. Connie Chung has already beat other 
celebrity anchor people to an exclusive interview, in
which the baby declared its intent to run for 
congress, and refused to speculate on the impact its 
mysterious origins would have on the campaign.

The next Art-O-Matic will take place in a giant 
orbiting spacecraft. Guests will be transported to the
art show via magical flying elephants holding
lollipops in their trunks.

In what is surely the final sign that Dupont is losing
its status as a "gay Mecca," Park Service police have 
arrested seven female college freshman in P St Beach,
claiming the ladies were hauling kegs of Miller Lite
in order to lure college boys into the park, where 
they would discuss MTV's "The Real World" and make 
plans for the future. 

April Fools,
Michael