4/1/01: 

Starbucks has bought out the lease of Benetton's shop
on Dupont Circle and plans on opening by mid-summer,
making it the only Starbucks where patrons can look
out and watch the people in another Starbucks (the one
north of the circle).

New store in Rite Aid Plaza at 13th & U: In another
sign of gentrification, the Dollar Store will be
replaced with the Two-Dollar Store.

The Front Page, restaurant across from Sonny Bono Park
at NH Ave and 20th, has decided to erect a statue of
Cher on its sidewalk. Statue will accept quarters,
which will activate recording of insults directed at
Sonny's park.

Now that Metro has stopped handcuffing snackers, plans
have been drawn for adding a dining car. To celebrate
opening, waiters will circulate through stations
carrying trays of French fries.

Fresh Fields has decided to expand its P St location. 
New design will have condos built under the produce
stands. Expect the deli area to also offer colonic
services.

Inspired by the Jurys Hotel's stadium-power
floodlights which illuminated Dupont Circle, the
Dupont/New Hampshire Starbucks has decided to direct
its own array of stadium lamps into the rooms of hotel
guests. This way Starbucks' patrons can enjoy
watching the comings and goings of the hotel's guests.
It also increases the safety of the hotel guests,
since we know that criminals never perpetrate crimes
in well-lit locations. Just like vampires.

Dupont Circle Metro stop has been renamed "Dupont
Circle/John Witherspoon Memorial," in order to bring
much-needed public attention to the neglected John
Witherspoon memorial at Conn Ave and N St, which was
built in 1909 in memory of noted orator and signer of
the Declaration of Independance. Sadly, tourists
refuse to visit this magnificent sculture. 
See http://thatman.homestead.com/witherspoon.html 
See also http://www.witherspoon.com

Mr P's has successfully petioned to have the name
lengthened further to "Dupont Circle/John Witherspoon
Memorial/Mr. P's (Gay Bar)" in order to make sure that
gay tourists know where to get off. This is still
only the second-longest name in the system.

In order to solve the problem of Georgetown not having
its own Metro station, the Foggy Bottom stop has been
renamed "Foggy Bottom/Georgetown."

Zoo officials have been shocked to discover that new
panda Mei Xiang, whose name means "Beautiful
Fragrance," is addicted to crack cocaine, and has been
selling rocks to other zoo animals. DC police, though
aware the zoo has been turned into an open-air drug
market, refuse to act, saying to do so would simply
push the animals onto the streets. Zoo officials
considering changing panda's name to "Wu Bo Biao,"
Chinese for "nasty crack whore."

April Fools,
Michael